Related article: Date: Wed, 07 Aug 2002 12:40:12 -0700
From: Steve Thomas
Subject: Colin’s Story - Ch 17 - 19Thanks again for all your letters. I never knew I could be such an
attention whore. As always, please feel free to comment. I have very thick
skin, so if you want to yell at me, go ahead. Please write “Colin” or
“Colin’s Story” in the subject area at the top of your letter. Address any
input to: s4dhotmail.com Thanks, I love you all! - SteveChapter 17Conflict! I had such a strong reaction to being next to Jake, in bed. I
felt so drawn to him as a mentor, not only in track and because he was
older, but because he was so respectful of my space. Part of me wanted him
so desperately. This was not just the “animal” part of me. I reasoned,
almost daily, how we could make one another so happy. But another kind of
reason always presented itself.I was not very close with my dad. And really I was growing ever away from
my mom. I saw in this family something that I wanted so much. Something I
felt an ever increasing - craving for. The Smiths were such a completely
non-judgmental and unconditionally loving family. This is what I wanted,
long term, Preteen Model
I told myself. Could I ever have this, if I let my attraction to
guys flower - even for awhile? This was a very hard question. Even today,
with all I have learned, I’m not sure I know the answer, or even if there IS
an answer.What Preteen Model
I knew Preteen Model back then, was I was a very lonely boy. I was happy to have
Jake to share with, but I could sense that he was not willing to wait
forever for me. He made it pretty clear that he wanted me to return his
affection in kind. He was so respectful of my feelings on the matter. He
had been taught well by his parents. But there was an urgency about him.
About everything he did. His school work, his sports, even his involvement
in his family. Also I felt that he wanted to move to the next level with
our relationship. I was not so sure of myself.Risk. One of the few things I was taught by my own dad was that risk is the
only way to achieve success in life. We have to risk if we want to receive
anything. The more we risk, the more chance there is to succeed - or fail.
Most successful people, like Thomas Edison, have failed many times more than
they succeeded. But when success came, it came big! Dad was just always
too afraid to do it!I didn’t so much risk with Aaron, or at least it was not intentional. There
was really no promises made, as in the case with Jake and Mik. We were just
buddies that were really close. Apparently I felt more attached to Aaron
than he did to me, maybe because I needed a replacement for Bobby or - who
knows. Preteen Model What I did know was I really wanted Jake. I wanted him for a
friend. I wanted him for a confidant. I wanted him for - I finally
admitted it to myself: his body. I felt I needed sexual release. I felt
guilty taking it out in frustration and anger with some girl that meant
nothing to me, even if that was alright with her.The bottom line was, I wanted to be loved. AND I wanted to give love. Jake
WAS my friend. He WAS my confidant. But I didn’t feel comfortable sharing
sex with him. Maybe because I didn’t want to hurt him. I had been hurt
-bad! And I did not want to cause that for anyone else. I guess the only
thing to do was talk to him about it.
Chapter 18″Jake?”"Yeah?”I had been spending a lot of time over at the Smith’s home. It was getting
to be close to Thanksgiving, and one Friday night I decided it was time to
talk. Jake had re-arranged his room, so the beds were close, like in a
motel room, so we could easily talk and I could not feel threatened.”Jake, I need to discuss something which I have been obsessing about.”I’m all ears, bud.”"First of all I want to tell you that I love you to pieces.”"I love you the same, bud!”"But I’m Preteen Model
afraid -”"Yeah, I know that -?”"Oh gosh, man, now that I am trying to saying it verbally, it sounds so
selfish! I hate this!”"So! If I am reading between your lines, you want to - get closer - but
make no - commitment, right?”"Damn you! You are right on, but it sounds even more selfish the way you
put it!”"Colin, I don’t mean it to sound that way. I’m actually glad you didn’t
give in to me early on. I was still hurting pretty mad from Mik. And I
know you still were hurting from - Adam was it?”"Aaron. Yes.”"Hey, Bud, I won’t pretend that I don’t want your body, too. There is so
much I would like to show you. I am growing to love you a lot, and I think
you feel the same.”"I think so -”"And -”"Jake - will you come here - and just hold me? We have not even done that
since that first night I was here. You have been an absolute prince about
respecting my space. Would it be too hard for you to just hold me -
tonight?”"Damn, guy, I want to hold you so much I can taste it! Here or there?”"I don’t care -”With that Jake leaped across the 18″ between their beds! He jumped under
the covers with me. Both of us were clad only in boxers. Jake always gave
me the polka dot ones to wear. They were never washed, so Preteen Model I supposed that
Jake was wearing them when I wasn’t there.”Colin, I’m going to let you take the lead here. I’m open to anything you
want - or don’t want.”Feeling much more secure about this, especially with Jake’s warmth adding to
my comfort, I slipped my fingers under Jake’s boxers and pushed them down,
so Jake did the same with mine. Of course both of us were high and hard by
this time. I hugged and lifted Jake up and on top of me. Jake answered
that with a grinding motion, once he was on top. I quickly held him close,
to stop the motion. Jake understood.”Oh god, Jake, this feels so good.” I started to sob. A little at first,
but then almost uncontrollably. I had been holding so much in - and back -
for so long! Jake could not hold it back either. These were long withheld
tears of relief for both of us. Jake did not realize how much he needed
this. “Jake, please don’t make more of this than there is, but - I love you
so much!”"I know, man - I know!”"I have not been with a girl or even jerked off since we Preteen Model met Jake. I felt
somehow it was - untrue to you - to do anything like that.”"Untrue to me? Or untrue to - Aaron?” It was not accusatory. It was just
a question, asked in compassion.”I … I think - I think I don’t know for sure. Preteen Model Dammit Jake, truly before
you asked, I thought it was to you. I have so many conflicting ideas and
emotions in my head.”"Talk to me, Bud -”"Jake, I want a family someday. I feel it so strongly. But I feel like I
want you too. I just don’t think I can have it both ways. I would feel - I
feel like I would be leading you on to let you think otherwise. I really
don’t think that having sex with you would hurt this aim, but it may hurt
you a LOT, if I acted like I wanted to stay with you, and then opted out for
a family later. Jake I love you too much to hurt you like that.”"I - I really don’t have any answer for you, Bud. I wish I did. I don’t
want to get hurt. But I am willing to take that risk. I know what love
feels like, and as painful as it was to end so abruptly with Mik, I want
that with you - even with the very real risk of losing you.”"But -”"No, wait, I’m not finished. I didn’t know that was how I really felt until
I just told you, just now. And the things you have said to me? I want Preteen Model that
too. I had just not thought it through as thoroughly as you have. Like
you, I wanted my cake, and to eat it too, I guess.”"Yeah.”"And what about adopting?”"Jake, I have this fixed belief that a child, boy or girl, needs both a mom
and a dad. A dad teaches a boy how to be a man, and a mom teaches him
respect and love for the opposite sex. It works the other way for a girl.
It just makes all kinds of sense to me.”"Then it’s settled! We will go out tomorrow and start looking for a mom for
our kids! Right now lets have some really wild sex to celebrate our
decision!” As he said this, Jake squeezed my softening member. My heart
jumped, and not only my heart! We both started laughing almost as hard as
we were crying a few moments earlier, wrestling and tickling. Then all of a
sudden I was on top of Jake, and we stopped as our eyes met. We each looked
longingly in the other’s eyes. Jake had a mischievous look still on his
face, but it quickly abated as he saw the concerned, troubled look on my
face. “What’s wrong bud?”"I don’t know. I’m just so confused.” I could not stand it any longer. I
put my mouth on Jake’s, and pulled him close with so much urgency. Jake
closed his eyes, and pushed his tongue a little way into mine. It was met
by my own soft warm tongue. We both relaxed, and I rolled over beside Jake,
then looked once more in to his eyes, and we each saw nothing but love in
the others eyes, felt nothing but love in the other’s embrace. I again
spoke, in a whisper, “I really can’t say that I am in love, Jake, but I love
you so much!”"I feel about the same, I think, bro. I love you - so much!”
Chapter 19>From that point, we always slept together. We really got into kissing
sometimes, but did not go to any “next level” any time soon. I think my
reasoning made immense sense to Jake, and he was now thinking in similar
terms. It was almost like a stalemate in our lives. We could not get past
this Preteen Model until he or I or both of us made a decision to change it. We talked a
little about “recreational” sex. But Jake nixed that, saying he could not
be sure he would see it that way, once we started. One night, as we were
lying together in my bed, (I called it my bed, because it was the bed I
started out with, in his room. We never slept in “his’ bed for some reason)
Jake said to me, “Hay, babe, How would you feel if I dated a girl?”WOW! That hit me like a ton of bricks! Stupid me! I had not thought in
those terms, and yet it was what we were holding out for - the reason we
were abstaining in the first place. If he had asked me how I would feel if
he wanted to date another guy, I would have immediately understood - and
been jealous as hell!”I have thought and thought about what you said to me about wanting a
family, Colin. I think I do sometimes, but then other times I only want
you.”"I know what that feels like, Jake. I just never thought it would be you
who would be the first!”"Hey, man, I didn’t say I had someone in mind! I just wondered how it would
make you feel. The reason I was asking was I was thinking how bad I would
feel if you decided to start dating again.”"Oh!”"Yeah, and I did not expect such a response from you. I guess you know how
I feel, huh?”"Uh - yeah, I - uh - guess. Jake, I can’t believe I have never asked you
this, or it never came up, but - have you ever had sex with a girl?”"No, man, never! What’s it like - er - compared to with a guy?”"Jake, I told you that I’ve never had sex with a guy - - Didn’t I?”I guess you did. Preteen Model I just forgot. I love you so much that sometimes I even
forget that you have never had it with me. What’s it like - with a girl?”"Well, sex with a girl, for me, has never been - I never have felt like I
loved any girl I had sex with.”"So you’re saying you have never had sex with anyone you loved?”"Wow! I never thought about it that way, dude. I guess that’s true.”"Well, that’s why I can’t feel good about having casual sex with you - it
wouldn’t be casual. I couldn’t be.”"I see- I think.”"Well, how do you feel about Preteen Model both of us starting to date girls, babe? I am
going to graduate the end of this year, and I have to think seriously about
these things.”"Yeah, I suppose.”"I mean, if you were serious about wanting a family -”"Oh, I AM, dude, I am. It’s just -”"I know! How would you feel about discussing this with my dad? He has so
much more experience - I mean in life. Maybe he could have some wisdom for
us.”I loved and respected Mr. Preteen Model Smith. We joked and sparred all the time. But to
discuss sex - hetero and homosexual sex - with him? I was - embarrassed.
But I could see we were getting nowhere as we were. So after about two
weeks I told Jake to see if his dad wanted to talk to us.After explaining to Mr. Smith our situation, he said to us, “Now boys, you
have to understand, I have no idea what it must be like to have .- sexual
feelings for a man.” We both nodded. “What I can say is that whatever you
do has to be fair to all concerned. Would you both agree to that? Again we
nodded. Quite frankly, I’m very surprised that you two were not having sex
all this time. Goes to show you how we feel about stereotypes, I guess. I
think I am not alone in thinking that every homosexual is promiscuous, and
is always looking for any way to relieve their - urges. I believe that’s
called projecting. That’s how I feel most of the time! I want sex all the
time. And being married, I have it probably more often than most. It never
occurred to me that some people, least of all homosexuals, could be so
temperate.”Okay, back to your question. Uh, could you please state your question
again?”"Well, dad, bottom line is we both want to have our cake and eat it, too.
We want to have a family and we want each other.”"Okay. Well, obviously, you have figured out you can’t have both, right?”
We nodded. “Here’s how I look at it. It would not be fair to give yourself
to anyone, unless you give ALL of you to her - or him, right?” Nods again.
Looking directly into my eyes, Mr. Smith said, “Colin, if you decided to
start dating girls, with the hope of finding one to marry and raise
children, could you give yourself completely to her?”"I - think so, sir.”"That was honest enough. Well, I suggest that, if you decide this, you date
a lot, and when you find one that you think is `the one’ you tell her of
your strong attraction to men, and - “”Sir, I have never been attracted to any, except Aaron and Jake.”"Nevertheless, if it wasn’t Jake, don’t you think it might be some other
guy?”"Maybe.”"I would say, probably. So you tell her, and let her make a decision if
that’s what she wants to live with. And if this is Preteen Model
what you decide, then
you also decide never to have sex - ever - with any guy.”Jake looked like he had been slapped.”Why is that, sir?” I said.”That way, you will never have anything to compare with. As soon as you
have a comparison, you will be comparing. If you are lucky, your wife will
come up the winner in the comparison. If you are not - then you will
never feel fulfilled in your marriage, and you will never be able to
completely give yourself to your mate. Does that make sense?”"I - I guess so, sir.” My eyes met Jake’s. He had tears in his eyes”Dad, I had no idea this would be so hard -”I didn’t think so, son. It will be even harder for you, because of your
experience.” With this, the tears started to flow even more. I was crying
too, because this was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I ached
for Jake, I loved him so much!Jake could hardly talk, he was so choked up. “What can I do, Dad?”"That’s the one thing I can’t do for you, Sweetheart. You are alone with
this decision.” And looking at me, “And you are alone with YOUR decision,
Colin. I love you like a son, but I can no more tell you what to do than I
can my own son. All I can tell you is to consider my advice: consider
everyone’s feelings. Your own, your partner, whether a wife or a gay buddy,
and also consider the impact on whatever decision you make on Preteen Model your future
children, if that should be what you choose.”"This is so impossible, Dad!”"I wish I had all the answers for you, Preteen Model sweetheart. Truly, I have never in
my life had to make any harder decision than you two face today.”Jake and I left Mr. Smith in the study, and went up to the bedroom. We held
each other and cried for about an hour. And then I initiated myself to oral
sex. He at first protested, but then let it happen, and later reciprocated.
There was really no decision made - except to put off the decision.Chapter 19 notes: (You HAVE to read the notes!! I promise you, you WILL be
rewarded!)I know there are those who are reading this who would like more details of
how Jake and Colin transitioned from the talk with Mr. Smith, to oral sex.
There are parts of my life I would rather forget, and there are also things
that I consider almost too sacred to talk about. Sexual exploits can be fun
to discuss when they Preteen Model
don’t hurt someone. But exchanges of love between two
people are not exploitive, and need to be handled with care and
consideration. Since the names of nearly all my characters are fictional,
and this is a work of fiction, I will expound a little on the mechanics,
reminding you that this is loosely based on my own personal experience and
beliefs about how things “should” be.Continuing directly after Jake’s and Colin’s talk with Mr. Smith:After the frank talk that we had with Mr. Smith, we went up to Jake’s
bedroom. Mr. Smith was quite surprised that there was, up until this time,
no real sex between us. Mr. Smith’s admonition to me to abstain from
further sex with anyone shook me a little. Actually a lot. Even though I
pretty much had come to a similar conclusion by myself, I guess I was hoping
that an older and wiser Mr. Smith might, maybe even in deference to his son
and his own son’s happiness, give me an excuse to … play with Jake a bit.When Jake and I went into his room, he closed and locked the door as usual.
You have to understand that there is more significance than just keeping
prying eyes out. The room was very well sound proofed. Locking the door
was tantamount to telling me that whatever happens next is just between the
two of us.We went and sat on the bed and did not speak for a few long moments. Then,”Jake, I just don’t know what to say.” Already my voice was breaking. “I
… I love you so much, Jake. And yet I can’t say that I am “in love” with
you.”I paused long enough for Jake to say, “Okay, I kind of get that.
And truly, I don’t know if I can say that either. I’m sorry, were you
through?”"No.” Tears were streaming down my face be this time, and it was hard for
me to start talking again. “Jake, I want you so much! Almost desperately.”
Jake touched my hand, and it went through me like an electric shock.
“Please just hold me for a moment.”Jake didn’t say a word. He knew that words were not what I needed at this
moment. He wrapped his arms around me, and we laid down on the bed. It
felt so comforting and warm in his arms. I could tell he liked it too.
When we laid down, I slipped down to where my head was on Jake’s chest. I
could hear his heart was beating fast. I looked up, and directly into his
eyes. He closed them, and a soft little involuntary moan came from deep
inside him. I stretched out my neck, and put my lips on his. My tongue
immediately pushed at the opening of his mouth and teeth. He opened and met
my tongue with a soft wonderful tongue of his own.With that stimulation I climbed up higher on him, and our throbbing members
were making their presence known through our jeans. I reached down and
unbuttoned his pants, and then when he didn’t respond in kind,
I unzipped my own.”Colin, have you given thought to where this might go?”"No, Jakey. But please just let it go. Follow my lead, maybe?”"I can do that, Bud, but I have to warn you that you may be heading into
territory that you cannot return from.”"I realize that, Jakey. Just let me be responsible for my own, okay?” Then
I pushed his pants down, and he reciprocated. We each pulled the other’s
shirt off, and I then caressed his neck and shoulders, while kissing him
deep. I grabbed hold of his wonderful furry butt gently but firmly, and
thrust my pelvis into his. He was already breathing harder, Preteen Model I think. I
bent down and teased a nipple with my teeth; He let out a low moan, almost a
growl. I slid Preteen Model lower and swept his navel with my tongue, lingering in the
little trail of hair that headed south from there. My tears were awash on
his stomach. He took my head in his hands, and tilted it up, “Colin, Little
One, Are you sure?” His eyes were red and wet as well.”Yes!” I sobbed. His dark pink glans was millimeters away from my nose. I
lapped out with my tongue, and tasted some of the precum on it. “Mmf!”"Oh, sweet, sweet Colin!”I then took his whole glans in my mouth, and tongued the hole. He moaned
some more. He was not huge, nor small, but about average.I let my lips gently caress the sensitive folds of his circumcised foreskin.
He let a tiny shriek out. Then I went down to where his soft pink head
was touching the back of my mouth just above my throat. I consciously
thought to myself, “It’s no return now.” I swallowed hard and thrust my
head to pull him down into my throat. I quickly pulled back up, as my gag
reflex took hold. I relaxed completely, and willed myself to not gag, as I
buried my nose in his pubic hair. There was a wonderful musk smell there.
This was when he lost control. He grabbed my head and thrust repeatedly
until he spent himself down my throat. As he pulled out, there was enough
left for me to get my first good taste of semen. It was not too bad.
Certainly not as bad as I imagined. I then kissed him long and deep, mixing
our saliva and his semen. That was so fulfilling, so utterly comforting Preteen Model for
me!I was so completely happy and content, having so utterly aroused and then
satisfied him! I was not expecting anything in return. I didn’t need
anything. My heart was so full of love for this sweet guy.Sexually spent, he did not try to reciprocate immediately. He did try to
apologize, but I would not allow it. I just lay on his soft chest hair,
dreamily relaxed. I heard his breathing slow down, hit heart slow, and
finally his hand dropped from my face to his stomach, and then the bed
sheet. I thought how much I cared for this boy. This boy? This MAN! I
laid there, seemingly in suspended animation, as I dreamily gazed upon his
sweet, angelic, sleeping Preteen Model face. At least momentarily I was in heaven.I don’t know how long it took me to fall asleep, but sometime in the middle
of the night, I awoke from Preteen Model
a particularly orgiastic dream to find his mouth
on my rock hard erection, getting ready to deep throat me. I shuddered,
then just relaxed and let it happen. I was out of body, or felt like it, as
wave after wave of euphoria swept over me as he took all of me and mine down
his own throat. He kissed me deep, giving me a sweet reminiscence of my own
heady tasting fluid.I also was aware that some prior innocence had been lost, as I drifted back
to sleep in my sweet lover’s arms.Further Note: Finally some graphic sex for you that crave it! The one
friend I let read this, (D. C., whom I love like a son, and trust with my
life) as I was writing it begged for some, so I put some in. I like to
leave that to the imagination, but … heh! Actually it was kind of fun
writing it! Expect some more, but not much!As ever please write to: s4dhotmail.com and include “Colin’s Story” or
similar in the subject line. Thanks! Steve
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